Sunday, February 9, 2014

Feeling Love Again...

First, let me say that I am not one to share my personal life normally, however, over these last four months I have had my world implode a few times over.

You see, in October, I lost my grandmother.

She was my last living grandparent and I was always closest to her and my grandfather. They both helped raised me and my two brothers from the time we were infants. She had eleven grandchildren total but it was us three that were really her grandkids. Not that she didn't love her other grandchildren but she was closest to us. My happiest childhood memories revolve around their love for me. I look back and wish that I had paused more often and told them I loved them so very much.

 Anyway, I was on my way to visit her when she passed away fifteen minutes before I got there. My heart broke in that moment, I honestly thought that I had more time with her. There were so many questions I had. So many pictures that she needed to tell me about. So many stories to tell me about our family history.
This was the last picture we took together.

When I arrived her shell was not as I had remembered her.

What was the same were her hands, I will never forget her hands.

I held them and told her that I will miss her and love her even though she's gone. I told her to watch over me and tell grandpa hello for me. And that was it. I stroked her hand once more and kissed it good bye. I thank the heavens that I had seen her the day before and gotten a chance to talk to her for a few moments and tell her that I love her while she could still hear me and understand.

I have never really experienced death before, when my grandfather passed I said good bye while he was still living and didn't attend his funeral.

The day my grandma passed was the first time I thought about my own mortality.

The first moment that I realized that I was lonely.

Not just lonely, but epically lonely.

It was such a blow that I went into a complete depression over it. As you may or may not know, I am single.  I was married for eight years to a man that I never should have married.  The universe tried to tell me but I ignored it and married him anyway. I do not regret it though, I was blessed with my son. And that made the whole thing worth it. We divorced in 2008. I've been single ever since for the most part. (I had a brief 3 month relationship a few years ago but I knew that it wasn't worth staying in so we split up amicably.)

Which brings me to today.

Today, I want love in my life.

After all this time, I realize that I can't be afraid that my heart will break again. I realize that I need to open up and find love again. To be honest, I'm scared beyond all comprehension. But this weekend I realized that even though there may be times of heartache that I will have times where my heart will be full with love. THAT thought is what keeps me going.

So I begin my adventure.

I like to think of this as an adventure.

I will find treasures and I will fall down and get hurt along the way but that is all apart of the adventure, right?

Isn't Pooh the most insightful bear?
And with that I hope to feel love again.

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